Do As I Do, Not As I SAY

We tell our children to be nice, play with others, be gentle, take turns, etc. but the truth is many adults don't follow these "rules."  I don't know how we keep up the expectations of good manners, when they seem to be the "exception" and not the "rule" these days.

The truth is we just don't live in an altruistic world.  People seem to be out for themselves and for some, if that happens to come at the expense of others it's considered acceptable.  To start, we don't speak to each other with respect.  E-mail or texting makes us brave and say things we might otherwise bite our tongue about.  Perhaps its the degradation of the human conversation. 

We don't get much practice anymore.  We speak primarily through third party mediums, like e-mail, texts, and social media sites that require that we be brief, casual, and one-minded.  We "speak" with only "us" in mind.  There is little expectation of the listener at all.  So without an "audience" to all our "talking" we are really just speaking to hear ourselves talk.

The adage for parents used to be "do as I say, not as I do."  The expectation is that children can't for many safety and practical purposes do what adults do.  They can't, as my daughter has been trying with fervor these days, help me cook.  There are too many "what if" factors that make the risk totally unworthy of any reward she may feel in "helping mommy."  So she gets to help mommy empty the dishwasher or hand me hangers or clothes pins while I'm doing the laundry instead.  But the desire to do that which she is not allowed seems ever more interesting to her.

Becoming a mom means many things, but once you hit the toddler years it becomes clear you are a role model.  The first time you hear your accidental slipped out bad word come out the mouth of your innocent toddler, you know it.  You are now aware that there are eager eyes upon you all the time, looking to YOU - the be all and end all of role models - MOM.  So here it is, we want our children to listen to us, but we are rearing our children during an age where "REAL" conversation is becoming more and more rare.  How do we teach them the importance of "listening" when we don't stop to listen to each other?

I guess the time has come to revise the old adage to: "Do as I do, not as I say."   I'm a true lover of words, so this is going to be hard for me; to rely on my actions to speak for me, to listen rather than to speak.  I think the next time Hannah interrupts a conversation I'm having with my husband or mother I will try hard not to get frustrated and tell her to wait her turn.  She should know how important she is to me and although I tell her all the time, at least once in a while she should get the floor and someone else will have to get asked to wait a minute.  After all a minute does feel like an eternity to a toddler. 

Everybody's Mother??

So is it just me, or does everyone seem to need more mothering nowadays? When did everyone start crying for mommies well beyond the years that it's acceptable to do it? Seriously, when did people just decide, nah forget personal responsibility that's just too much work. If things don't go my way, I'll just whine that it's not my fault because someone else should have don't it for me.

I truly hope that I raise my own children to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. I would hate to envision them out there in the world, just balancing their lives on the edge of excuses. Excuses not to live their lives the way they want. Excuses that allow them to blame others for anything that doesn't go their way. I can hear the explanations of adults in childish words "But it's not my fault mommy, it's my boss's fault for not anticipating that I might need extra time getting that project done."

It seems like if it isn't the "after the fact complainers" I hear these days it's the "can't you read my mind cause I sure expect you to" people. Holly hell people, have your forgotten your mothers long quoted mantra "Use Your Words." If people don't know what you want then you can't complain when you don't get it. If you wait for people to magically guess what you need or want then you're in for a long and disappointing life.

Here's a novel idea that just may work- ask, just ask and give others a chance to help you. Also expect that you still may not get everything you ask for, but you definitely won't get anything if you never ask. After reading "The Five Languages of Love," I agree with the author, you can make requests of loved ones, but not demands and that means that sometimes they will not be fulfilled. But the bottom line is, it's better to have someone want to fulfill your requests than someone who resentfully complies with an order. The workplace is a whole different battlefield, but I think the same idea rings true. If you make a respectful request, you are much more likely to be happy with the result than if you issue a bottom line demand. All people want is to just feel respected; that's pretty much it.

Lastly, I hope to teach my children to value and respect words for they can hurt or heal depending on how you choose to use them. I hear grown adults all the time wielding hurtful comments at each other without batting an eye. They have no idea how long those words live in a person's mind or heart. Words that hurt can spread like a virus attacking self-esteem and making us ever more numb to the healing words. Hurtful words drown out the good ones. I read once that it takes twice as many nice words to balance out the effect of hurtful words and I believe it. I hope that I can adhere to all these lovely ideas because I know that I'm not immune to forgetting these lessons, but being the mamma of two little ones sure gives me an ever present reminder.